Hello, dear Reader. It has been far too long. So much has happened in my life lately I am not sure that I would ever be able to catch you up all in one post. I won't even bother trying. Rest assured, it will trickle down to you bit by bit. Such a gentle stream of facts will never be able to reflect the tempest that has been my life lately, but I don't want to leave you in the dark either. So many of you were not just readers to me, but friends, and I have woefully under-appreciated the solidity that is your presence.
I am re-introducing Betzi Spins to the world, not as a spinning and knitting blog, but as a 'what's up with Betzi' blog. I assumed that when I started writing for this blog again, I would change the name of the blog to something more appropriate, less craft-related, because frankly dear reader, that will no longer be the focus. I hope to eventually provide you with more reviews, tutorials, etc., but for now other things take precedence. I hope you will all stay with me however, as without you, my readers and friends, a blog is simply a journal. I have enough private journals. I am tired of hiding.
Lately I have spent a lot of time with more time with my old friend Music, and spin in a different way. I have 2 weekly indie music streams, which I will give you more details about later, complete with links, times, how-to's. Music has become an anchor for me, as it has been so many other times in the course of my life. One thing is for certain: regardless of the inconsistancies and fluctuations that may come along, music is always a constant. Music is something I can always land on softly, firmly.
I spin my proverbial wheels in an attempt to regain all that I lost, including myself. I have struggled to free myself from whatever it is I am mired in for so long that I have forgotten that the slick surface beneath my wheels has a name. Perhaps the most prevalent spinning motion comes from those damn internal cogs, however, the ones that have produced nothing lately but anxiety, fear, and self-criticisms.
Somewhere within me is a restful soul, one that knows what it is to be serene. I know it is there, it is the normal state of me. It is the me that lies beneath my persistent depression, the depression that seems to resurface when terrible and traumatic things happen, each time with greater severity. And something did happen, friends--someone so very dear to me is suffering in a terrible and silent way, and I am unable to do anything to help. For reasons I can't really divulge right now, I am unable to be at his side, to offer him my presence as comfort.
It isn't just that, though, that landed me in the Behavioral Health urgent care. It is a culmination of things that have been slowly eroding me, and for years. As is common for depression, though, there is generally a trigger and this was it. The sudden disappearance of someone you love who also has a recurrent history of depression is so terrifying. I am at this moment suffering from mild to severe depression and high anxiety with a sprinkling of codependency. Not fun, but totally treatable. And that, dear reader, is where I am: getting help and support, finding that lost Betzi, attempting to get a foothold on life again.
I want to spin straw into gold. I think this time, I will be able to.
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In due time everything will work itself out. You need to make yourself a priority & take care of yourself. Because if your not ok then the rest doesn't really matter.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself. If you want we can do a really easy knit along...I too am struggling, but today seems to be a good day for me. Saw you on Ravelry. Get a hot bath and snuggle in. Perhaps those needles will get picked up yet.
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